The Unbearable Bobness of Being

The Near Perfect Pen

I will sign the goldurned thing when I have my Pilot G-2 Gel Pen brought unto me!

Pilot G-2 Gel Pens. Perfection. Well, they approach perfection, perfection being by definition never achievable because if you think about it how can anything ever be perfect when the very act of something being better than something less perfect implies there is room for even more betterness. More betterness potential is what denies us true perfection. But I digress. The Pilot G-2 Gel Pen is as perfect a writing implement as I've ever experienced. The gel ink flows like warm maple syrup on a steaming buckwheat pancake on your green plastic camp plate as you sit on a bleached driftlog on a rocky lakeshore one gorgeous calm August morning with the lake silent and mirrored and only the quiet gaze of ducks and maybe my totem animal the majestic and high velocity Osprey drifting high overhead. The ink dispersal sensation is pure magnifico, it glides onto the paper as though every ink molecule is borne by tiny atomic angels cradling each molecule in their strong angelic hands. Nothing else writes, in a feeling way (and aren't we at heart responding to the emotions when picking our perfectest things?) like a Pilot G-2. It's otherworldly. Using any other pen, and I've used gabillionty eleven other pens in my life, is like scratching on a slate cave wall with a sharpened birch stick. The Pilot G-2 pen has a near perfectly functional body, with a ridged rubber grip that allows for excellent handling and control and a clear body section that permits one to gauge the amount of sweet sweet gel ink as it is used. The clip is smooth and curved like the sexy outer thigh of a naked woman. It is sinuous and arousing as it clings with a desperate and hungry want to my shirt pocket. The clicker is firm and business like. It clicks audibly to let the busy pen user know the cartridge and tip are fully engaged, like racking a Hitachi Fire Dragon explosive shotgun shell into a combat shotgun. CuhLICK. Locked and loaded, baby. Back off, I'm writin a grocery list, man!

The Pilot G-2 pen has spoiled me for all other pens. Please, as you search desperately in your minds and hearts for gifts to shower me with for all of this awesome writing I do for you for free, don't bother with expensive pens (maybe a Fischer space pen just because) as I won't use them. I will only use my Pilot G-2 and it's slick gravity defying teflonesque wonder ink and sexy wanting to be held hug me tight body.

What is your favorite pen? Do you share my wonder and joy at the Pilot G-2 Gel Pen?

Secrets of an Untrained Professional

When people don't know the answer to a question and you're pretty sure they won't go look it up just fake something approximately credible.

Question: "Does anyone know why they've raised the east-side parking rates so much?"
Answer: "Sure, asphalt prices have increased 30% since last summer and they're undergoing a major resurfacing initiative during the next quarter."

That was your Secrets of an Untrained Professional hint for Thursday, March 20, 2008.